Rock Bottom

A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind,
So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times,
I once contemplated suicide and would have tried,
but when I held that gun all I could see was my baby's eyes,
No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble,
Not knowing its hard to carry on when no one loves you,
Picture me inside the misery of poverty,
No man alive has ever witness the struggles that I've survived,
I'm praying hard for better days and I promise to hold on... - Tupac, Thugz Mansion (edited by Dizzle Enterprise)

Great stuff!

Wordup!?!

Sunday is today. Great day to sit back and enjoy well maybe not enjoy but deffinately sit back and reminisce. What an eventful week I've had. One that has certainly tested all the resolve in me. As they say, your only as big as the people around you, or only as great as them. Well I've got the most amazing set of people around me. Firstly my girlfriend. I love you gorgeous! Your amazing. To stick with me through everything that has happened not just this past week but the past two years is something im in awe off. I don't think I'm as big a person as you to be able to swallow your pride time and time again purely to see me happy. You never weavering faith in me, that I will succeed in life keeps me going on a day to day basis. Its soo much easier for you to just leave and lead an amazing life with someone. Your educated, gorgeous. Im nothing today. I miss you sooo damn much everyday. Makes me wonder whether I really was that great a guy in my past life to deserve an amazing person like you. I cherish you more then I even cherish myself, which you hate, but its true. I love you

For my mates, and trust me its a very limited and exclusive few, Thank You. The support I've had was wow man! Though I've known you in particular for over 2yrs now, its only been in the past 4 months that we have gotten close. For you to simply bite your tongue and bring me in is something that I would never forget. I'll tell my kids man, that the day your dad was down and out this uncle of yours kept him off the streets. Its emotional man, cus its been such a testing 20yrs. Been on the streets, done it. The fear of going back was huge, I was scared, though I think this facade that I put on all the time that Im a happy go lucky lad is bullshit man. For you to realise that and offer what you have, thank you. Your hospitality has been admirable. May God Bless..

See life isn't all that bad after all hey lads. Though its testing and tough as hell, if you have great people around you, you will pull through. Right now I'm lost as to where lifes taking me. I did great in high school, can go to uni and do pretty much anything I want. Yet I cant go to uni. Thats fustrating. I will make it though. Theres no stopping me. I wont ditch my family, mates, girlfriend or anyone for that matter to achieve success no matter how much of hell I have to encounter. I will make them proud, for they have invested their lifes in me. I do know where I want to head, I have the direction. Its just taking a bit longer then most people to get there. I will though, and then life will truly be a bliss!

Much Love.
Peace

Gave it all away for just one thing...

Blogging again. Took me a while, but im back on this. I forgot my password and simply could not be arsed in getting it reset. Just goes to show how bored I am today to make the effort to reset it. I'm going to uni! Wooopi!!!! Sounds great doesn't it? Wishing right about now that everything was as simple as it seems. I made it back here in one piece, though pieces of my soul have been left scattered across the globe.

"Even though i know.. i dont wanna know.. yea i guess i know.. i just hate how it sounds"

Been a real tough 20 odd yrs it seems. I just grit my teeth and try to make it work. Man, its hard work this is. Life. Wow! To be honest, Im completely bamboozled as to what am I supposed to or allowed to write over here. 2 and a half years ago i left one place, my entire life, for an experience that has left a deep imprint in my mind, body and soul. Amazing time I had. But then once again i had to uproot and leave. Seems to be the story of this lads life. Constant uprootings. People come people go, but you would hope it aint the people that mean a whole damn lot to you. No one understands you kiddo is what i tell him all the time. Its a simple equation. Allow your body and mind to feel every emotion that it comes across and embrace. Only then i will die knowing i've been there and done it all. This emotion of hurt, betrayal.. simple words it seems, but when you have to go through it maaan! Its flipping hard hey.. Its just about done me in. But maybe this isnt me time yet. My time is out there, one day things will fall into place. Just got to keep plugging away, no point in throwing in the towel, or else id just be a memory, if that. Men's biggest flaw is their inability to not allow their complete infactuation of the opposite gender control them. We suck man! We see a girl and kabam! We're like falling all over ourselfs just to chuck a smile up on their faces. I look back at me previous blogs, and i seemed soo proper. Now i seem like a boogan. A street fella. Is that what i've become? I cant even write to save my life! And to even think that literature was me best subject. Wow! Times have changed. I always chase, beg, plead. Please dont leave me, id be nothing, id loose my world. Nah.. i must have been lieing. Because your well and truly gone now and i aint dead. Im fine yo. Im a master of what happens to me, no one dictates Me. The day i rise up through the ranks, i will stand. Alone. Thats what ive been destined to do anyways. Always been a loner. Saturdays my operation. I'll be alone again. God knows whats going to happen in it. Hopefully its all successful but they odds aint all that great lads.

Its soo weird that i can sit here and talk about my real personal demons. Its for the world to see. Am i attention seeking? I'd have to say soo. Who else talks about their shit on the freaking internet? I've been completely deleted. I've qouted this in one of my prior blogs:

"Dulce Et Decorum Est, Pro Patria Mori"

I even mentioned "Go Figure". Do it. Only then you'll truly understand me. Its a sacrifice my dear friend. Everything has always been a sacrifice to make the world happy. Including you. I should become a miner. Or a soldier. Somewhere dangerous. Where everyday you battle with life or death. If you dont kill you get killed. Id be alone, isnt that what ive always wanted? Lifes such a precious yet short thing. What do you want me to do? Lock up all of my emotions and loose me forever? I cant and will not do so. Ive been doing it for soo long already, sat back and watched everything happen. I am me. Ive changed it for long enough. After saturday ill realise what ive lost? Hopefully you realise what you have lost. Someone who surpressed everything he felt just to see you smile. I sit here alone. All Alone. No one to call. No one to eat my lunch with. Its been like this for 20yrs anyways. What have i lost? Im alone whether we iz together or not. Ive always been alone. Its fine. I hate it, i hate being alone, i hate not being in the company of someone, i hate not cuddling, i hate it! but what can i do? nothing man. Abosolute fucking nothing! My life experiences have shaped me for who i am today. A bitter person. Always being taken advantaged off, with no one close to me ever going that extra yard just to put a smile on my face.

Begs the question, "Why is the world so damn freaking selfish!?!" I dont know the answer to that. I cant even stop giving. Thats the freaking problem, i have no idea on how to put my foot down, be it in the context of the family, friends, relationship(s). Whats the point of crying? The amount I've cried have completely dried up my tear ducts! There isnt a tear left. Not even on saturday when i wake up to some solid ass pain, i wont shed a tear cus i'll have none left! None left to even cry about being alone, or cry about the pain, or cry for anything really. Im listening to Konstantine - Something Corporate. Love this song. Brilliant. All of this just spurs me on to achieve bigger and better things in life. I want my body back, the one that people used to love. I will get it. I want my popularity back. Where i could walk in and everyone would come up to me and not vice verse. You know why, cus i gave it all away for that one thing. And now that one thing has left. Leaving me with nothing. Absolutely nothing. Im Done.


If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Burn

I dont know anymore. Im soo hurt. Im crying, not crocodile tears, I am. I hate this wreck that I've become. I hate the fact that I've allowed myself to fall for someone soo much her actions if negative literally tear me to pieces. I dont know what to do. I hate this.


Im twisted cus one side of me is telling that i need to move on, but on the other side i just wanna break down and cry.

Masterplan?

'and then dance if you wanna dance please brother take a chance you know they're gonna go which way they wanna go all we know is that we don't know how it's gonna be please brother let it be life on the other hand won't make us understand we're all part of the masterplan'

Dizzle

Listen up Dizzle: you isnt alone

"Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

Happiness.

Begging.

Im sorry for everything. My moti... Please smile every single day of your life ok. :)