Gave it all away for just one thing...

Blogging again. Took me a while, but im back on this. I forgot my password and simply could not be arsed in getting it reset. Just goes to show how bored I am today to make the effort to reset it. I'm going to uni! Wooopi!!!! Sounds great doesn't it? Wishing right about now that everything was as simple as it seems. I made it back here in one piece, though pieces of my soul have been left scattered across the globe.

"Even though i know.. i dont wanna know.. yea i guess i know.. i just hate how it sounds"

Been a real tough 20 odd yrs it seems. I just grit my teeth and try to make it work. Man, its hard work this is. Life. Wow! To be honest, Im completely bamboozled as to what am I supposed to or allowed to write over here. 2 and a half years ago i left one place, my entire life, for an experience that has left a deep imprint in my mind, body and soul. Amazing time I had. But then once again i had to uproot and leave. Seems to be the story of this lads life. Constant uprootings. People come people go, but you would hope it aint the people that mean a whole damn lot to you. No one understands you kiddo is what i tell him all the time. Its a simple equation. Allow your body and mind to feel every emotion that it comes across and embrace. Only then i will die knowing i've been there and done it all. This emotion of hurt, betrayal.. simple words it seems, but when you have to go through it maaan! Its flipping hard hey.. Its just about done me in. But maybe this isnt me time yet. My time is out there, one day things will fall into place. Just got to keep plugging away, no point in throwing in the towel, or else id just be a memory, if that. Men's biggest flaw is their inability to not allow their complete infactuation of the opposite gender control them. We suck man! We see a girl and kabam! We're like falling all over ourselfs just to chuck a smile up on their faces. I look back at me previous blogs, and i seemed soo proper. Now i seem like a boogan. A street fella. Is that what i've become? I cant even write to save my life! And to even think that literature was me best subject. Wow! Times have changed. I always chase, beg, plead. Please dont leave me, id be nothing, id loose my world. Nah.. i must have been lieing. Because your well and truly gone now and i aint dead. Im fine yo. Im a master of what happens to me, no one dictates Me. The day i rise up through the ranks, i will stand. Alone. Thats what ive been destined to do anyways. Always been a loner. Saturdays my operation. I'll be alone again. God knows whats going to happen in it. Hopefully its all successful but they odds aint all that great lads.

Its soo weird that i can sit here and talk about my real personal demons. Its for the world to see. Am i attention seeking? I'd have to say soo. Who else talks about their shit on the freaking internet? I've been completely deleted. I've qouted this in one of my prior blogs:

"Dulce Et Decorum Est, Pro Patria Mori"

I even mentioned "Go Figure". Do it. Only then you'll truly understand me. Its a sacrifice my dear friend. Everything has always been a sacrifice to make the world happy. Including you. I should become a miner. Or a soldier. Somewhere dangerous. Where everyday you battle with life or death. If you dont kill you get killed. Id be alone, isnt that what ive always wanted? Lifes such a precious yet short thing. What do you want me to do? Lock up all of my emotions and loose me forever? I cant and will not do so. Ive been doing it for soo long already, sat back and watched everything happen. I am me. Ive changed it for long enough. After saturday ill realise what ive lost? Hopefully you realise what you have lost. Someone who surpressed everything he felt just to see you smile. I sit here alone. All Alone. No one to call. No one to eat my lunch with. Its been like this for 20yrs anyways. What have i lost? Im alone whether we iz together or not. Ive always been alone. Its fine. I hate it, i hate being alone, i hate not being in the company of someone, i hate not cuddling, i hate it! but what can i do? nothing man. Abosolute fucking nothing! My life experiences have shaped me for who i am today. A bitter person. Always being taken advantaged off, with no one close to me ever going that extra yard just to put a smile on my face.

Begs the question, "Why is the world so damn freaking selfish!?!" I dont know the answer to that. I cant even stop giving. Thats the freaking problem, i have no idea on how to put my foot down, be it in the context of the family, friends, relationship(s). Whats the point of crying? The amount I've cried have completely dried up my tear ducts! There isnt a tear left. Not even on saturday when i wake up to some solid ass pain, i wont shed a tear cus i'll have none left! None left to even cry about being alone, or cry about the pain, or cry for anything really. Im listening to Konstantine - Something Corporate. Love this song. Brilliant. All of this just spurs me on to achieve bigger and better things in life. I want my body back, the one that people used to love. I will get it. I want my popularity back. Where i could walk in and everyone would come up to me and not vice verse. You know why, cus i gave it all away for that one thing. And now that one thing has left. Leaving me with nothing. Absolutely nothing. Im Done.


If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds