Alvida.

I need a place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind,
so much pressure in this life of mine, i cry all the time
i once contemplated suicide and would have tried,
but when i held that gun all i could see was my mummy's eyes
no one knows my struggle, you all only see my trouble,
not knowing its hard to carry on when no one loves you,
picture me inside the misery of poverty,
no man alive has ever witness the struggles that I've survived,
I keep praying hard for better days and try my best to hold on,
but i cant do it anymore cus its all gone,
whats the point of the land and merce i ask,
to make my parents and my baby smile is my task,
but i have failed miserably as it seems,
cus my baby dont love me more then her baby creams.
it may look funny when you read this through,
but you should know baby you have made me blue,
i cant seem to escape from this crazy world,
but now im running to another world,
some place where even i dont know exists,
but i damn sure god hope i do visit,
They say heaven is a place on earth,
All i can see is hell on this forsaken earth.
Im crying so much and it doesnt cease,
cus i know this is it for MelvDizz.

Alvida.

Devastated.

I don't know what to say. I wish someone would just be able to see what I see and understand what Im feeling. I dont want to explain it. I just want it understood.

A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind, so much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times. Im crying. I want love. I really really want it right now, but I have got it. Im nothing. Money doesnt buy you love. Theres no point working so hard when the bottom line is that Im loveless. The love I have does not even care about me. Whats the point of having it when I cant expect things, or voice opinions, or cry. No point. Im Going. I just hope I stick around long enough. Cus honestly Im that damn close. No one realises it. Doesnt matter. I just cannot take it. What must I do before someone realises it. I dont know. Ive Given Up.

When I woke up, the rain was pourin' down
There were people standing all around
Something warm rollin' through my eyes
But somehow I found my baby that night
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said "Hold me darling just a little while."
I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I would miss
But now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life that night.

Urgh!

Hey Dizzle,

Whatsup? Im sad mate. Down as hell. Why's that kiddo? Well where do I start? Hasn't this whole blog just been about how sad life is, guess I need to continue that tradition. Its not without the lack of effort though, I really do put in the hard yards. Buying a piece of land at 20, Im freaking proud of meself. But Im just fustrated at why its soo hard. Really everything is just soo damn hard. I have made plenty of mistakes in my short life. Many of which I wished I had more sense before doing it, but its done now, and I've learnt from them and know that Im a better person for it. Much stronger as a person today then I was say 2-3yrs ago. This is always a positive.

So thats good stuff. So why are you still down then Dizzle, you own a car, you own your own piece of land, you have your own very successful business.. So whats the matter mate? You've made it. Isnt that what you always wanted? To get away from poverty? To ensure your parents never have to worry about the bills being paid anymore? To ensure that your missus is always financially secured and can do as she pleases? Well yes you are right there. I am certainly proud of myself, although the lack of appreciation verbally does get to me. No one has got up and realised just what I put into my work to ensure that everything works out. Im a cleaner, thats all I am. I wash toilets, I wash cars. I do not have one single friend. Thats fine, there is no issue there, as what Im doing and want to achieve does not allow for a social life. Which once again is fine. Okkk.. So Dizzle... You have contradicted every single thing you have said so far...

Well you are right there also. Is that a sign of confusion? No its not. I am not confused at all. I know what I want, and I have done everything to make it happen. However its the lack of support from all around me. No appreciation, no respect for me as an individual or another human with feelings. Now... Thats the issue. The constant disrespect of me as a human being, the fact that I am being taken advantaged off due to my sincerity. I used to lie a lot, then I realised that you had to make up another lie to cover it up. So I stopped, I tell the full truth, and now that isn't even respected. Im so bloody lonely here. Its the long hours, its the working through pain, its the sinus pain that is intense especially since the op. I dont tell anyone about it because I need to work to support everyone. I need to build that damn house for us. For my family, for my parents who have given me the world. I need to do it for them. I need to do it for my missus, so that she doesnt see me as a failure in life. I havent got the damn money to do what I want. I want to be a pilot. I love flying, but I simply cannot pass my medical nor have the adequate amount of dosh required to get my CPL and buy the land and build the house. Its one or the other, so I've decided to buy the land and build the house, as I can always study later, where else my parents are not young anymore, I need to make them as relaxed and happy in life while they are still around. I owe them that.

Its just soo damn tough. I really really struggle every single second, but its the fact that I want to and need to succeed that keeps me washing those damn toilets at 6am every morning and working till 10 or 11pm. I've invested my entire heart and soul into the few people that mean the world to me. I only have them. I hope they realised what they are worth to me. I cant keep going on like this forever without any support except from my parents. I simply cannot do it. Im crumbling beyond belief. I'va had the butterfly feeling in my stomach now for days, the doom feeling. Thats not good. I need company, I need Love. How much more must I ask? Must I literally be dead before it gets noticed that Im killing myself here. I dont know. I seriously dont.

I just hate it. Its been too much for too long.