Urgh!

Hey Dizzle,

Whatsup? Im sad mate. Down as hell. Why's that kiddo? Well where do I start? Hasn't this whole blog just been about how sad life is, guess I need to continue that tradition. Its not without the lack of effort though, I really do put in the hard yards. Buying a piece of land at 20, Im freaking proud of meself. But Im just fustrated at why its soo hard. Really everything is just soo damn hard. I have made plenty of mistakes in my short life. Many of which I wished I had more sense before doing it, but its done now, and I've learnt from them and know that Im a better person for it. Much stronger as a person today then I was say 2-3yrs ago. This is always a positive.

So thats good stuff. So why are you still down then Dizzle, you own a car, you own your own piece of land, you have your own very successful business.. So whats the matter mate? You've made it. Isnt that what you always wanted? To get away from poverty? To ensure your parents never have to worry about the bills being paid anymore? To ensure that your missus is always financially secured and can do as she pleases? Well yes you are right there. I am certainly proud of myself, although the lack of appreciation verbally does get to me. No one has got up and realised just what I put into my work to ensure that everything works out. Im a cleaner, thats all I am. I wash toilets, I wash cars. I do not have one single friend. Thats fine, there is no issue there, as what Im doing and want to achieve does not allow for a social life. Which once again is fine. Okkk.. So Dizzle... You have contradicted every single thing you have said so far...

Well you are right there also. Is that a sign of confusion? No its not. I am not confused at all. I know what I want, and I have done everything to make it happen. However its the lack of support from all around me. No appreciation, no respect for me as an individual or another human with feelings. Now... Thats the issue. The constant disrespect of me as a human being, the fact that I am being taken advantaged off due to my sincerity. I used to lie a lot, then I realised that you had to make up another lie to cover it up. So I stopped, I tell the full truth, and now that isn't even respected. Im so bloody lonely here. Its the long hours, its the working through pain, its the sinus pain that is intense especially since the op. I dont tell anyone about it because I need to work to support everyone. I need to build that damn house for us. For my family, for my parents who have given me the world. I need to do it for them. I need to do it for my missus, so that she doesnt see me as a failure in life. I havent got the damn money to do what I want. I want to be a pilot. I love flying, but I simply cannot pass my medical nor have the adequate amount of dosh required to get my CPL and buy the land and build the house. Its one or the other, so I've decided to buy the land and build the house, as I can always study later, where else my parents are not young anymore, I need to make them as relaxed and happy in life while they are still around. I owe them that.

Its just soo damn tough. I really really struggle every single second, but its the fact that I want to and need to succeed that keeps me washing those damn toilets at 6am every morning and working till 10 or 11pm. I've invested my entire heart and soul into the few people that mean the world to me. I only have them. I hope they realised what they are worth to me. I cant keep going on like this forever without any support except from my parents. I simply cannot do it. Im crumbling beyond belief. I'va had the butterfly feeling in my stomach now for days, the doom feeling. Thats not good. I need company, I need Love. How much more must I ask? Must I literally be dead before it gets noticed that Im killing myself here. I dont know. I seriously dont.

I just hate it. Its been too much for too long.