Alvida.

I need a place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind,
so much pressure in this life of mine, i cry all the time
i once contemplated suicide and would have tried,
but when i held that gun all i could see was my mummy's eyes
no one knows my struggle, you all only see my trouble,
not knowing its hard to carry on when no one loves you,
picture me inside the misery of poverty,
no man alive has ever witness the struggles that I've survived,
I keep praying hard for better days and try my best to hold on,
but i cant do it anymore cus its all gone,
whats the point of the land and merce i ask,
to make my parents and my baby smile is my task,
but i have failed miserably as it seems,
cus my baby dont love me more then her baby creams.
it may look funny when you read this through,
but you should know baby you have made me blue,
i cant seem to escape from this crazy world,
but now im running to another world,
some place where even i dont know exists,
but i damn sure god hope i do visit,
They say heaven is a place on earth,
All i can see is hell on this forsaken earth.
Im crying so much and it doesnt cease,
cus i know this is it for MelvDizz.

Alvida.

Devastated.

I don't know what to say. I wish someone would just be able to see what I see and understand what Im feeling. I dont want to explain it. I just want it understood.

A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind, so much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times. Im crying. I want love. I really really want it right now, but I have got it. Im nothing. Money doesnt buy you love. Theres no point working so hard when the bottom line is that Im loveless. The love I have does not even care about me. Whats the point of having it when I cant expect things, or voice opinions, or cry. No point. Im Going. I just hope I stick around long enough. Cus honestly Im that damn close. No one realises it. Doesnt matter. I just cannot take it. What must I do before someone realises it. I dont know. Ive Given Up.

When I woke up, the rain was pourin' down
There were people standing all around
Something warm rollin' through my eyes
But somehow I found my baby that night
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said "Hold me darling just a little while."
I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I would miss
But now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life that night.

Urgh!

Hey Dizzle,

Whatsup? Im sad mate. Down as hell. Why's that kiddo? Well where do I start? Hasn't this whole blog just been about how sad life is, guess I need to continue that tradition. Its not without the lack of effort though, I really do put in the hard yards. Buying a piece of land at 20, Im freaking proud of meself. But Im just fustrated at why its soo hard. Really everything is just soo damn hard. I have made plenty of mistakes in my short life. Many of which I wished I had more sense before doing it, but its done now, and I've learnt from them and know that Im a better person for it. Much stronger as a person today then I was say 2-3yrs ago. This is always a positive.

So thats good stuff. So why are you still down then Dizzle, you own a car, you own your own piece of land, you have your own very successful business.. So whats the matter mate? You've made it. Isnt that what you always wanted? To get away from poverty? To ensure your parents never have to worry about the bills being paid anymore? To ensure that your missus is always financially secured and can do as she pleases? Well yes you are right there. I am certainly proud of myself, although the lack of appreciation verbally does get to me. No one has got up and realised just what I put into my work to ensure that everything works out. Im a cleaner, thats all I am. I wash toilets, I wash cars. I do not have one single friend. Thats fine, there is no issue there, as what Im doing and want to achieve does not allow for a social life. Which once again is fine. Okkk.. So Dizzle... You have contradicted every single thing you have said so far...

Well you are right there also. Is that a sign of confusion? No its not. I am not confused at all. I know what I want, and I have done everything to make it happen. However its the lack of support from all around me. No appreciation, no respect for me as an individual or another human with feelings. Now... Thats the issue. The constant disrespect of me as a human being, the fact that I am being taken advantaged off due to my sincerity. I used to lie a lot, then I realised that you had to make up another lie to cover it up. So I stopped, I tell the full truth, and now that isn't even respected. Im so bloody lonely here. Its the long hours, its the working through pain, its the sinus pain that is intense especially since the op. I dont tell anyone about it because I need to work to support everyone. I need to build that damn house for us. For my family, for my parents who have given me the world. I need to do it for them. I need to do it for my missus, so that she doesnt see me as a failure in life. I havent got the damn money to do what I want. I want to be a pilot. I love flying, but I simply cannot pass my medical nor have the adequate amount of dosh required to get my CPL and buy the land and build the house. Its one or the other, so I've decided to buy the land and build the house, as I can always study later, where else my parents are not young anymore, I need to make them as relaxed and happy in life while they are still around. I owe them that.

Its just soo damn tough. I really really struggle every single second, but its the fact that I want to and need to succeed that keeps me washing those damn toilets at 6am every morning and working till 10 or 11pm. I've invested my entire heart and soul into the few people that mean the world to me. I only have them. I hope they realised what they are worth to me. I cant keep going on like this forever without any support except from my parents. I simply cannot do it. Im crumbling beyond belief. I'va had the butterfly feeling in my stomach now for days, the doom feeling. Thats not good. I need company, I need Love. How much more must I ask? Must I literally be dead before it gets noticed that Im killing myself here. I dont know. I seriously dont.

I just hate it. Its been too much for too long.

Man I was chilling at work today. Had a good think to meself. I love this song!


Maine Uske Shahar Ko Chhoda
Uski Gali Mein Dil Ko Toda
Phir Bhi Seene Mein Dhadakta Hai Ye Dil
Maine Dil Se Usay Nikaala
Jo Na Karna Tha Kar Daala
Phir Bhi Yaad Usi Ko Karta Hai Ye Dil

The week has been interesting. Got the ball rolling with the company, then the economy crashes. Good you may think for export, but shit cus everything is dealt in USD and that chei bai has gotten stronger. Over all its ok. Things are ok. Good Shizz homebra

Rock Bottom

A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind,
So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times,
I once contemplated suicide and would have tried,
but when I held that gun all I could see was my baby's eyes,
No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble,
Not knowing its hard to carry on when no one loves you,
Picture me inside the misery of poverty,
No man alive has ever witness the struggles that I've survived,
I'm praying hard for better days and I promise to hold on... - Tupac, Thugz Mansion (edited by Dizzle Enterprise)

Great stuff!

Wordup!?!

Sunday is today. Great day to sit back and enjoy well maybe not enjoy but deffinately sit back and reminisce. What an eventful week I've had. One that has certainly tested all the resolve in me. As they say, your only as big as the people around you, or only as great as them. Well I've got the most amazing set of people around me. Firstly my girlfriend. I love you gorgeous! Your amazing. To stick with me through everything that has happened not just this past week but the past two years is something im in awe off. I don't think I'm as big a person as you to be able to swallow your pride time and time again purely to see me happy. You never weavering faith in me, that I will succeed in life keeps me going on a day to day basis. Its soo much easier for you to just leave and lead an amazing life with someone. Your educated, gorgeous. Im nothing today. I miss you sooo damn much everyday. Makes me wonder whether I really was that great a guy in my past life to deserve an amazing person like you. I cherish you more then I even cherish myself, which you hate, but its true. I love you

For my mates, and trust me its a very limited and exclusive few, Thank You. The support I've had was wow man! Though I've known you in particular for over 2yrs now, its only been in the past 4 months that we have gotten close. For you to simply bite your tongue and bring me in is something that I would never forget. I'll tell my kids man, that the day your dad was down and out this uncle of yours kept him off the streets. Its emotional man, cus its been such a testing 20yrs. Been on the streets, done it. The fear of going back was huge, I was scared, though I think this facade that I put on all the time that Im a happy go lucky lad is bullshit man. For you to realise that and offer what you have, thank you. Your hospitality has been admirable. May God Bless..

See life isn't all that bad after all hey lads. Though its testing and tough as hell, if you have great people around you, you will pull through. Right now I'm lost as to where lifes taking me. I did great in high school, can go to uni and do pretty much anything I want. Yet I cant go to uni. Thats fustrating. I will make it though. Theres no stopping me. I wont ditch my family, mates, girlfriend or anyone for that matter to achieve success no matter how much of hell I have to encounter. I will make them proud, for they have invested their lifes in me. I do know where I want to head, I have the direction. Its just taking a bit longer then most people to get there. I will though, and then life will truly be a bliss!

Much Love.
Peace

Gave it all away for just one thing...

Blogging again. Took me a while, but im back on this. I forgot my password and simply could not be arsed in getting it reset. Just goes to show how bored I am today to make the effort to reset it. I'm going to uni! Wooopi!!!! Sounds great doesn't it? Wishing right about now that everything was as simple as it seems. I made it back here in one piece, though pieces of my soul have been left scattered across the globe.

"Even though i know.. i dont wanna know.. yea i guess i know.. i just hate how it sounds"

Been a real tough 20 odd yrs it seems. I just grit my teeth and try to make it work. Man, its hard work this is. Life. Wow! To be honest, Im completely bamboozled as to what am I supposed to or allowed to write over here. 2 and a half years ago i left one place, my entire life, for an experience that has left a deep imprint in my mind, body and soul. Amazing time I had. But then once again i had to uproot and leave. Seems to be the story of this lads life. Constant uprootings. People come people go, but you would hope it aint the people that mean a whole damn lot to you. No one understands you kiddo is what i tell him all the time. Its a simple equation. Allow your body and mind to feel every emotion that it comes across and embrace. Only then i will die knowing i've been there and done it all. This emotion of hurt, betrayal.. simple words it seems, but when you have to go through it maaan! Its flipping hard hey.. Its just about done me in. But maybe this isnt me time yet. My time is out there, one day things will fall into place. Just got to keep plugging away, no point in throwing in the towel, or else id just be a memory, if that. Men's biggest flaw is their inability to not allow their complete infactuation of the opposite gender control them. We suck man! We see a girl and kabam! We're like falling all over ourselfs just to chuck a smile up on their faces. I look back at me previous blogs, and i seemed soo proper. Now i seem like a boogan. A street fella. Is that what i've become? I cant even write to save my life! And to even think that literature was me best subject. Wow! Times have changed. I always chase, beg, plead. Please dont leave me, id be nothing, id loose my world. Nah.. i must have been lieing. Because your well and truly gone now and i aint dead. Im fine yo. Im a master of what happens to me, no one dictates Me. The day i rise up through the ranks, i will stand. Alone. Thats what ive been destined to do anyways. Always been a loner. Saturdays my operation. I'll be alone again. God knows whats going to happen in it. Hopefully its all successful but they odds aint all that great lads.

Its soo weird that i can sit here and talk about my real personal demons. Its for the world to see. Am i attention seeking? I'd have to say soo. Who else talks about their shit on the freaking internet? I've been completely deleted. I've qouted this in one of my prior blogs:

"Dulce Et Decorum Est, Pro Patria Mori"

I even mentioned "Go Figure". Do it. Only then you'll truly understand me. Its a sacrifice my dear friend. Everything has always been a sacrifice to make the world happy. Including you. I should become a miner. Or a soldier. Somewhere dangerous. Where everyday you battle with life or death. If you dont kill you get killed. Id be alone, isnt that what ive always wanted? Lifes such a precious yet short thing. What do you want me to do? Lock up all of my emotions and loose me forever? I cant and will not do so. Ive been doing it for soo long already, sat back and watched everything happen. I am me. Ive changed it for long enough. After saturday ill realise what ive lost? Hopefully you realise what you have lost. Someone who surpressed everything he felt just to see you smile. I sit here alone. All Alone. No one to call. No one to eat my lunch with. Its been like this for 20yrs anyways. What have i lost? Im alone whether we iz together or not. Ive always been alone. Its fine. I hate it, i hate being alone, i hate not being in the company of someone, i hate not cuddling, i hate it! but what can i do? nothing man. Abosolute fucking nothing! My life experiences have shaped me for who i am today. A bitter person. Always being taken advantaged off, with no one close to me ever going that extra yard just to put a smile on my face.

Begs the question, "Why is the world so damn freaking selfish!?!" I dont know the answer to that. I cant even stop giving. Thats the freaking problem, i have no idea on how to put my foot down, be it in the context of the family, friends, relationship(s). Whats the point of crying? The amount I've cried have completely dried up my tear ducts! There isnt a tear left. Not even on saturday when i wake up to some solid ass pain, i wont shed a tear cus i'll have none left! None left to even cry about being alone, or cry about the pain, or cry for anything really. Im listening to Konstantine - Something Corporate. Love this song. Brilliant. All of this just spurs me on to achieve bigger and better things in life. I want my body back, the one that people used to love. I will get it. I want my popularity back. Where i could walk in and everyone would come up to me and not vice verse. You know why, cus i gave it all away for that one thing. And now that one thing has left. Leaving me with nothing. Absolutely nothing. Im Done.


If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Burn

I dont know anymore. Im soo hurt. Im crying, not crocodile tears, I am. I hate this wreck that I've become. I hate the fact that I've allowed myself to fall for someone soo much her actions if negative literally tear me to pieces. I dont know what to do. I hate this.


Im twisted cus one side of me is telling that i need to move on, but on the other side i just wanna break down and cry.

Masterplan?

'and then dance if you wanna dance please brother take a chance you know they're gonna go which way they wanna go all we know is that we don't know how it's gonna be please brother let it be life on the other hand won't make us understand we're all part of the masterplan'

Dizzle

Listen up Dizzle: you isnt alone

"Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

Happiness.

Begging.

Im sorry for everything. My moti... Please smile every single day of your life ok. :)

Not Again..

Just when you think you've done well, it hits again. Comes right back and bites you on the ass.. I dont even know what to say.